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This is a moderated blog is a project of the Ruth Institute. Have a story to share? We're listening.
Posted on: Thursday, March 04, 2021
I was a lesbian for 22 years. Then I lived as a female to male transsexual for 17 years before detransitioning back to female.
My name is Maritza. I was born in Havana, Cuba. My mother was given a form of estrogen to prevent miscarriages. She was able to carry me to term, but not without ramifications. I dealt with health issues, from asthma to reproductive female issues. I was not your average female. I had a deeper voice, bad menses, and a slew of emotional and neurological instabilities.
I was sexually molested from age 8 to 12. My parents were dysfunctional, particularly my father, who was an abusive, alcoholic control freak.My mother was emotionally incapable of dealing with me. She was an ill woman and was spoiled by my grandmother.
Many of our childhood traumas come back to haunt us as adults. Unresolved emotional issues show themselves in various facets of disassociation and grief, to the point where we create poor coping skills to mask the pain. I believe same sex attraction stems from rejection, sexual abuse, and a mother or father wound. I’ve seen this not only in myself, but in many others.
If we’ve been hurt, we engage in a behavior that allows us to run away from who we are. Instead of being angry at the person who mistreated us, we blame ourselves. We self-harm. We see our self as not good enough; therefore, an alteration of our character, to include mannerism, gender or sexual expression, rises.
We try to fix the situation by creating an alternative person attracted to the same sex, so we do not have to repeat the scenario that took place with our parent. Many try to replace that parent with a same-sex partner. No one in their right and balanced mind would choose to gender swap or be same-sex attracted. This is done out of despair and in attempt to "fix" a situation.
There is no objective finding to prove that we are born gay. This new gender craze is based on nothing more than junk science and a rather crafty marketing scheme. There is a dark agenda behind it, led by the elites, who are trying to bring in a brave new world.
So how did I get to where I am today? After all, I had bought the lies and believed the gender craze. I advocated for the trans community, did the TV circuit, and even wrote a book called, The Mirror Makes No Sense. I believed that I was born wrong. Years of research, however, led me to understand that there is no evidence that anyone is born wrong or that there is a nature within that makes you gay. We are programmed by our creator to be heterosexual, so where does this paradigm come from? Our fallen nature and our need to fix things.
From all the failed relationships and lack of true happiness came the realization that the life I chose had lots of holes in it. You begin to think that feeling this way is normal. You fight for it. You claim others are wrong, but when you dive into the real essence of it, you realize that it is all based on lies.
I believe that the Father, our creator, used my situation to awaken me to the truth. I was in several relationships with trans women who still had their male parts. And although I was repulsed at one point by men, due to the sexual molestation and the aggressive alcoholic father, being with transwomen helped heal those wounds. In some strange way, I no longer feared men. I was also healed from my same sex attraction.
Today people claim all sorts of disorders, none of which have any biological nature but are psychological and situational. But politicians have an agenda to push. There are medications to be sold and procedures to be had. The corruption of society is quite the circus, one I am glad to no longer be part of.
I am in gratitude to my savior, who through his patience, love and persistence, allowed my chains to be broken. I no longer identify as a lesbian. I no longer want to be seen as a man. I am content to be the daughter of the Most High, here help others break free from the programming and brain washing the trans agenda has to offer.
I want people to know that there is hope. If they want healing and ask the Father for guidance, they will find it. Without a shadow of a doubt, no one is born wrong, and God does not make mistakes. The adversary toils with your pain, places bad ideas in your mind and heart, and will make you believe lies. You owe it to yourself to learn the real you, to realize that life was not meant to be as hard as you make it. Let him take control and heal you once and for all.
Posted on: Monday, January 18, 2021
I’ve struggled with same-sex attraction for most of my life. Although I had a difficult childhood (having attempted suicide when I was about 12), I never thought there was a connection between my attractions toward other boys and my lonely, rejected, hurtful upbringing.
My whole life, I was told that embracing the gay lifestyle would make me feel better, that my life would get on track, and I would finally be happy. When I was about 20, I came out and embraced "who I really was."
In the beginning, it felt good. Entering the gay community was like becoming someone. Being kind of attractive and young, it was unbelievable to suddenly have all those guys giving me attention and pursuing me. Men with high financial status taking an interest in me and treating me like I was special was surreal to me.
But as the years went by, I started to notice that the gay lifestyle wasn't as I was told it would be. What was quite in contrast with what the culture told me was the promiscuity, the instability of gay relationships, and the drug-drenched atmosphere. In fact, gays have way more partners and sexual activity than straight guys. A gay man having sex with more than five guys on a weekend is not unusual. Having sex with two unknown guys in one day is not unusual. And this is not just a small portion of the gay community, it's the main portion.
Gays use more drugs, and drug use in the gay community is skyrocketing. The drug-drenched parties are countless. Not to mention that a good portion of gay hookups only happen if there are drugs involved. Chemsex culture is indistinguishable from gay life.
Also, gay relationships were different from what I was made to believe. They were all open. In fact, I've learned from older gays that if you wanted a relationship to last, it had to be open. Otherwise, you would just be fooling yourself. I've never seen a gay couple that was together for years that didn't do that.
At first I wasn't into the promiscuity, drugs, etc, but with time I got used to it. I resisted at first, but things go out of control really fast in the gay lifestyle. I thought I would be different, but I became desensitized to what at first seemed ugly. The number of sexual interactions in my life increased and became kind of obsessive and crazy. And while I was doing it, I was getting more and more drugged and dependent on substances. I was feeling more and more empty, and it made me look for more and more sexual contact and more substances, as an attempt to fill the void.
I wouldn't say that boyfriends and I didn't want a monogamous relationship, but the feeling of boredom and discomfort with each other was inevitable. One invariably always lost interest in the other. I saw that this was not just in my relationships, but with all of my friends.
After a few years, I felt completely empty and meaningless. I had been told that when "I assumed who I was," my life would be fulfilled, that I would meet someone and be happy. After the excitement and the glimpse of the beginning of my life in the gay community, all I had left was emptiness and anguish. I was walking like a lifeless body, a corpse that moved.
I couldn't take life anymore. I felt there was nothing left for me here. I had a particularly acute depressive episode. I moved back in with my parents and stayed in bed for a week without getting up or eating. It was painful to exist. I had already concluded that it was the end, my life had failed, and there was nothing here for me anymore.
I was not particularly religious. I had a tremendous prejudice against religious people. I thought they were all wrong, especially the more traditional ones. But I kind of knew there was something, a Being. I felt deep anguish and cried with that pain. I was ready to cut myself and bleed to death. Then from the bottom of my heart came: “Lord, please help me!” And I heard a voice: “Believe in me.”
Automatically, even to my surprise, I said: “Yes.” Without knowing or understanding anything, I decided to believe. I had some contact with Catholicism in the past, so I looked for a church and started a Christian life. At that moment I had decided to leave the gay world and cut all ties.
At first, it was very difficult. My body was used to all those sensations. Gay pornography was part of my daily life, and it was difficult to resist the temptation to watch it. But over time it got easier. In addition, I was adopting a series of new practices: prayer, meditation. I was feeling connected to and loved by God, not to mention the new friends I made, people who came from a world completely foreign to me. From the beginning, the happiness I saw in them called my attention. It seemed so strange and different from everything I saw in the world. That lightness and joy--I had no idea these lives existed.
I met a Catholic missionary with an internet apostolate for men like me. He also lived gay-identified for a few years and got out. I always thought I was born that way. In his podcasts, he spoke about the reality of the gay world - which does not appear anywhere in the media and culture - and the causes of homosexuality. I identified with everything he said about the causes of same-sex attraction: Father wound, family issues, everything. It felt like he was describing my life.
From the moment I started to understand, I started to change. This missionary had been in therapy with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. I started reading Dr. Nicolosi's books and articles and watching his online videos. That was like an explosion. His descriptions of the different stages of a boy's development and how they get messed up, was very similar to my life. Now I could understand and deal with my deeply-rooted wounds: the fear, discomfort, and inferiority I felt around men, the need for affirmation and affection that I never had. I felt a weight lift out of me. I saw that I was just like other guys, an equal. And it made me feel more comfortable with them, more relatable, more relaxed in my body.
At that point I wasn't feeling so much sexual desire for men. In fact, I started to feel attracted to girls--feelings and sensations that I felt a long time ago, but had forgotten.
I also haven't felt a need to inject substances or take prescription drugs in a long time. I feel satisfied. I don't know what the future holds, but sometimes it seems unbelievable that this is all happening. All the meaning and fulfillment I feel makes me want to stay here forever.
The Institute's work is of great importance in my life now. I've read many articles on the website, heard many podcasts and interviews, and watched many talks by Dr. Morse. The Dr. J Show is one of the best things during the week for me.
The first great thing was that I understood that much of the hurt and suffering I experienced came from the lies of the Sexual Revolution. I saw that the dysfunction in my family, the abuse, the misleading advice from the culture, and so on, all lead me to the suffering I experienced.
It was healing to know that I wasn't to blame; I was a victim of these lies. The Ruth Institute showed me that Christian morals are not just moral rules. They are commandments, because they are what makes us happy and healthy. You guys are really a blessing, truly doing God's work. Thank you so much.
-Submitted by M.
Posted on: Thursday, February 21, 2019
Brother Christopher Sale shares his powerful testimony with ChurchMilitant.com.
ChurchMilitant.com interviewed Br. Christopher Sale, a man who spent decades in the homosexual lifestyle and was rescued from that way of life through the grace of the sacraments and a devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe, and healed of all disordered attractions. He spoke with ChurchMilitant.com about the harm caused by current Church-run LGBT ministries that give the message that same-sex attracted men have no choice but to suffer from disordered desires the rest of their lives.
CM: How long were you involved in the gay lifestyle?
Br. Christopher Sale: I was in the gay lifestyle for 43 years. I came out as gay when I was 22 years old. I began a relationship that lasted 25 years. After 25 years I decided to become single and venture out to see what I had missed out on in my younger years. By 2008, I ended up with AIDS and a drug addiction. Throughout my years in the gay lifestyle I knew how badly I was offending God, yet I felt I had no control over my behavior. I was totally wrong.
CM: How did you get out of the lifestyle?
Br. Christopher Sale: I truly believe that it was contracting Aids and having a drug addiction (that rock-bottom moment) when I knew that without God I would have never been able to leave this sinful lifestyle. Many would find this extremely sadistic, but contracting AIDS turned out to be a gift from God. Had it not been for AIDS I would most likely still be in that deplorable lifestyle. I have said many times that AIDS has been my stigmata. It was God telling me: "It is finished; now you will come back to Me and begin saving souls." I believe God has given me the courage to use my story to save others. I believe that although persecuted for speaking the truth, God has called me to be a victim for souls.
Posted on: Monday, February 18, 2019
After decades of yearning for happiness and joy, I came to see that I had been wrong, mistaken and even victimized. I take full responsibility for my choices. Through the media and some of those in academia, I didn’t believe that I had choices. I wanted happiness, enlightenment. I wanted to rise above what my Catholic parents wanted for me: family, children, a loving husband. I rejected all of that as bondage, as slavery to a man, to an old outdated ideal. I wanted nothing to do with having children and was outspoken about pro-choice/abortion issues. My choices included serial lesbian monogamy and the gay bar/nightlife scene. At the same time, I was succeeding in college with many lesbian professors. I honestly believed that my guaranteed happiness and fulfillment would come from academic degrees, occupational power, and the ‘pride’ and enlightenment that the homosexual agenda promised.
I had many monogamous relationships with women. One after the other, sometimes not a month in between. I moved in, tried to make a home, a life, with many, ending shortly thereafter in heartbreak and sadness. I fell into the depth of sadness and despair, contemplating suicide many times. My emotional wounds were almost insurmountable. The cycle of bliss with a new sexual partner that promised love and a future only ended in devastation.
After decades of persisting that this would make me happy, a woman and I bought a home together and adopted children (at her urging).
That’s when GOD took a hold of me. As I looked into the loving eyes of my young children--these beautiful gifts from God--I could not, I would not, bring them to the door of a GODLESS existence of the homosexual agenda.
On the floor of my living room, I screamed, crying to God. I was so lost and confused. Shortly thereafter, I reverted back to my Catholic faith. I repented of my sins and went to confession. I dedicated my life to Christ and to my children. I am nurturing my own soul and theirs as a proud Christian. I am happier than I ever dreamed! I am content as never before. I am not lonely, I am loved deeply. I am happy.
Submitted by AV.
Posted on: Wednesday, June 27, 2018
My father was incredibly emotionally and physically abusive. Although there was never any sexual abusive per se, he certainly denigrated me as a male. He was a hard man, and I was always a sensitive boy. I'm still a sensitive, empathetic man. I have never been a flaming gay guy, but as much as I hate it, I have struggled with Same Sex Attraction my whole life.
I have been divorced twice now. I would very much liked to have had some EFFECTIVE counseling in late adolescence or early adulthood. However, I grew up in a small town, and there was always such shame about "gay people" that I would never have dared discuss it with anyone.
Now that I've been divorced twice and have young children, I consider it my responsibility to get whole so that I can be a good example to my children. Although I may never be very open about the details with my children when they are adults, I will encourage them to read, learn and do whatever it takes to be emotionally healthy. I have been having Subconscious Reparative Therapy, which is helping. I think I am almost there. However, even if a healthy relationship presented itself, I don't think it would be fair to my children to have another relationship, at least until after they're grown.
I accept that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. I accept this with a stoic lack of self-pity and with dignity. Having said that, I want
better for my children. My whole purpose in life is to coach my children in a direction they need to go so they will grow up to be healthy, well-balanced
adults. If that means my children will need some counselings and therapy, so be it. I will do whatever it takes for them to be more successful than
I have been in my personal life. Sexual sin is wrong. Certain things that happened to me weren't my fault, but it's my responsibility to get better
for my sake and for my children's sake.
Posted on: Friday, July 10, 2015
Dear Dr. Morse,
My name is Alicia. When I looked at the categories on your website, the one I wanted to select was "gay and lesbian lifestyle" refugee -- except in a peculiar way [Note from editor: Alicia is referring to the 12 Survivors of the Sexual Revolution, located here]. However, I've never had a lesbian relationship, and I've never been tempted to go out and get a girlfriend. It is also important for you to know that I have Asperger’s and that I am a Catholic convert.
I became active with an online community known as the Xena Online Community (XOC). It is for people who are fans of the Xena Warrior Princess TV series. The sexuality of the people on the board wasn't even a factor at first. The XOC had a large lesbian population but that wasn't the board's defining characteristic, and we had straight women and guys as well. Over time, the board became more skewed toward lesbian and the culture seemed to become more dysfunctional. I had many friendships that eventually fell apart.
That's my first problem when it comes to the marriage issue today. I don't know how to talk about it. I understand the way God's gift of sexuality works, I completely agree with the Church's teaching. I have done a lot of research but people on the XOC still called me a mindless sheep. That was actually where I ran into my first huge political struggle. It was right around the time the protect marriage amendment in Arizona went up for vote. At the beginning, the XOC people were pretty supportive of everyone's faith, but then people started posting the stuff about Christians being hateful. The militant lesbians of the XOC viewed the Xena board as their safe haven, and minorities like Christians were no longer welcome. That hurt, especially since the rules had changed on me without me knowing it. I've had a lot of friends, even Christian friends, post things in the last few days to the effect that Christians need to love people who identify as gay and lesbian before we do anything else. It hurts. I scream inside that I tried to do that, and they rejected me.
My first question: how do I cope with the memories of lost friendships? There are several people I used to be extremely close to who would now say that they hate me and I have no idea how much responsibility I bear.
My second question: how should I handle such situations in the future? The XOC was the first time in my life I'd felt accepted. The only advice I can get is "state your view charitably and agree to disagree." I guess that works in casual friendships, but it doesn't help much if your best friend just invited you to Gay Pride (completely out of the blue) and then took great offense when you said you couldn't go. The advice I usually get is "she shouldn't be your best friend, you should have other Christians" -- and I can't say anything out loud, but I always think that I tried to make best friends with other Christians and they rejected me. I don't think I can be effective in evangelizing unless I figure some of it out. If I make friends with someone, I give that person my whole self -- something I've had people tell me is a mistake.
Finally, a friend told me once that she didn't have a problem with me being Catholic, but that she had a problem with me refusing to give her blessing to her new same-sex relationship, then cited a couple of other Christians who'd just encouraged them. It seems like the world is exhorting us to keep our beliefs but be more loving in our expressions (whatever that means), and applauding "liberal" Christians who compromise.
I am looking for pastoral support on the questions outlined above. I would be honored to join the Ruth community, and I'm desperate for a spiritual director / pastoral support / resources on the emotional resonance of the marriage issue from the perspective from the outside.
Submitted on July 7, 2015.
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